Colds suck.

By way of The Beast. The notables (for me)…

50. Ryan Seacrest

Charges: The white man’s Casey Kasem. Catchphrase, “Seacrest out,” was so despised he was forced to drop it. “Dishes” stories. Approaching hosting ubiquity; may soon be on all television channels. An experimental super-soldier of the vanillification agenda, Seacrest emcees a weekly assault on good taste called “American Idol,” poisoning the minds of our children in a preemptive strike against decent music of the future. Ended the year being out-charisma’d by a stroke victim on “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2007.”

Exhibit A: “I am looking forward to being part of the E! team. This unique opportunity allows my company to take the next step in providing multimedia content.”

Sentence: Head permanently lodged in Brad Pitt’s ass.

Also: He looks like a complete tool. Did they mention he just.won’t.go.away?!

43. Bill Gates

Charges: Became the richest man in the world through intellectual thievery, stealing Windows and every other software package he ever made a billion on. Microsoft’s internal slogan with regard to competitors is “embrace, extend, and exterminate.” As founder and co-chair of The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, he’s fighting global poverty and disease by investing in corporations that are the source of global poverty and disease. According to the L.A. Times, The BMGF has over $9 billion invested in companies whose activities contradict the foundation’s stated mission.

Exhibit A: So cheap he downloads pirated movies and still won’t pay for a decent haircut.

Sentence: Spanked in the Mall of America food court by Steve Jobs and the guys from Netscape.

…and the guys from Mozilla and Opera, and anyone behind Unix and Linux and (insert any other alternative OS I’ve not thought of here).

That said, though, Vista’s “Aero” interface does look very sexy. But then, it was probably swiped from Mac. ;)

42. Joe Lieberman

Charges: For a brief, shining moment in ‘06, it looked like the nation might finally be rid of this sniveling sitzpinkler, but Joe Lieberman just keeps coming back, like herpes. Now Lieberman is an unknown quantity and subsequently the most powerful vote in the Senate. Routinely scolds Democrats for “undermining” the president, whose balls have resided in Lieberman’s mouth since 9/11.

Exhibit A: “Our troops believe they can win, and that’s important.”

Sentence: Malfunctioning Connecticut-manufactured artillery shells coat Lieberman with white phosphorus at next Iraq photo op.

Sentence #2: Forced to become a Republican. I mean, he’s been a DINO for this long; he may as well cross over, y’know?

41. Ralph Reed

Charges: There’s a lot of good reasons to hate conservative Christians, but if we had to pick one it would be their willingness to support the most obvious charlatans that ever walked the earth—guys like Robert Tilton, Benny Hinn and Ralph Reed. Disingenuine from the start, Reed was busted for plagiarizing a Commentary article in a piece he wrote for his student newspaper titled—this is true—”Gandhi: Ninny of the 20th Century.”

Exhibit A: “I want to be invisible. I do guerrilla warfare. I paint my face and travel at night. You don’t know it’s over until you’re in a body bag.”

Sentence: Vengeful Indian casino developers slip Reed an envelope of small pox infested money

Couldn’t he and the other aformentioned charlatans (and others not named) just be sent into a cesspool or something until the Second Coming?

37. Madonna

Charges: A truly unremarkable “singer” who gained fame by courting controversy and flexing her once-attractive body. Wore out her shock value, among other things, a full 2 decades ago, yet won’t stop trying to rile baby-boomers with puerile symbolism. Dangling from a big plastic cross just isn’t edgy anymore, not even close. Married third-rate English film director and now speaks with atrociously fake British accent, like nobody’s heard her talk before. Purchased an African infant as a fashion accessory in a vainglorious case of celebrity see celebrity do. Fighting the aging process so furiously that she looks like an overly-muscled dude with a doughy ass. A Kabbalah “mystic,” which means she pays charlatans exorbitant sums to help her justify her psychotic egocentrism and total inauthenticity.

Exhibit A: Pitched to father of Malawian baby as “a very nice Christian lady.”

Sentence: During next Middle Eastern tour, vagina used as Koran dispenser.

Sentence #2: In honour of Muslim/middle-eastern customs, she must perform in a potato sack and a hijab.

33. Pamela Anderson

Charges: A dead-eyed pneumatic cartoon who’s done more to distort the female body image than Barbie and Hugh Hefner combined. There’s a phrase for women whose breast implants are bigger than their heads: “Fucking revolting.” Selects her mates based on their level of childish helplessness and the size of their meat cannons and then acts surprised when they turn out to be violent, possessive assholes.

Exhibit A: “If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out.”

Sentence: Old age.

Isn’t she already there, though? I mean, have you seen her in recent times? In the face, she looks like she’s a fifty-something trying to be a thirty-something!

32. George Allen

Charges: We don’t know what was worse; the recently unearthed details of this Cro-Magnon halfwit’s lifetime of bigotry or his transparent “some of my best friends are macacas” denials. But worse than either is the sad fact that, after being exposed as a Dixie dunce who said “nigger” like it was going out of style (which it was), hung confederate flags on the walls of his home and a noose in his office, and stuffed a severed deer’s head in the mailbox of an arbitrarily selected black family, George Allen still came within a hair’s breadth of reelection. Maybe he should campaign in a white hood next time—you know, to rally the base. Insisted he’d never heard the obscure racial epithet “macaca” before, despite the fact that his mother just happens to hail from the only place in the world where it was ever commonplace.

Exhibit A: Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to call a dark-skinned kid who works for your political opponent “monkey” while he’s pointing a video camera at you?

Sentence: Point guard for the Washington Generals.

Sentence #2: A one-year internship with the NAACP. Or something like that.

Emphasis mine for this next one…

30. Rush Limbaugh

Charges: It’s hard to believe this repulsive shit fountain is even human, until you remember that we share 70% of our DNA with pigs. Then again, to be any more hypocritical Rush would actually have to be a member of another species. After the Democrats took congress in November, Limbaugh said he felt “liberated” because “I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don’t think deserve having their water carried,” essentially telling his listeners he’d been lying to them all year. The dittoheads didn’t mind; that’s why they listen.

Exhibit A: If someone had taken a shotgun and blown Rush’s head clean off while he was wobbling his bloated body back and forth in an inconceivably cruel mockery of Michael J. Fox, whom he accused of faking his Parkinson’s symptoms for political effect, it would have been the greatest viral video of them all.

Sentence: Parkinson’s disease, of course, triggered by oxycontin abuse.

Hey, would that mean early retirement? If so, I’m all for it.

27. Suri Cruise

Charges: Terrible motor control. Deficient, tiny neck can’t even support the weight of her own head. Unable to fathom the causal nature of the universe, or any other remedial concepts for that matter, beyond vague urges of biology. Doesn’t speak English, as her brain is physically incapable of constructing the compound ideas that are prerequisite to language. Can’t even manage her own bowel movements. Relies on Scientologists to handle nearly all of her affairs. Snubbed Katie Holmes’ pert nipples, preferring L. Ron Hubbard’s newborn barely formula and the subsequent risk of botulism. Not what we’d have done—for health reasons, of course. Airbrushed to look like human Yoda on the cover of Vanity Fair. Inexplicably “spits up” without warning or apology. But don’t be fooled: it’s not “spit;” it’s actually puke.

Exhibit A: That smell!

Sentence: Raised by a latent homosexual and a brain-washed starlet, infant botulism, eaten alive on Pay-Per-View by Michael Musto.

Now, now, it’s not Suri’s fault her father is Tom Cruise (although, given he couldn’t conceive a child with Nicole Kidman…one must wonder…). ;)

26. Ann Coulter

Charges: It was a run of the mill year for Ann: openly calling for the murder of a Supreme Court justice and the entire staff of the New York Times, accusing 9/11 widows of “enjoying their husband’s deaths” and Bill Clinton of being a rapist. Coulter’s neck gained an amazing 3 vertical inches in 2006; inside sources attribute this to a strict regimen of deep-throating Satan’s scaly cock. It’s projected that by 2010 Coulter will be able to plagiarize the Illinois Right to Life Committee website more deftly than she did in this year’s ode to mindless intolerance of tolerance, Godless, simply by snaking her grotesque head-ladder through the ventilation ducts of their office and skulking away with their webmaster’s hard drive clenched firmly in her masculine jaw. Ann’s slipping, though; she’s become an unconvincing fascist parody, increasingly betraying herself in televised interviews, blushing at her own brazen idiocy. She’s faking it, and so are her tits.

Exhibit A: “Hi, I’m Ann Coulter.”

Sentence: Most “controversial” statements redacted from “Exhibit A,” as they’re a naked ploy for attention–-and Adam’s apple removed with a backhoe.

Are you guys sure it’s her neck growing three inches and not her nose?

Sentence #2: A wardrobe intervention with Trinny and Susannah, original hosts of the BBC version of What Not To Wear.

21. Donald Trump

Charges: It’s grotesquely symbolic of the free trade era that one of the country’s favorite TV shows features a megalomaniacal tycoon putting people out of work. A man so profoundly insecure that he has to erect massive buildings with his name on them to compensate and sports the world’s most ridiculous combover, Trump’s popularity is the clearest imaginable proof that Americans value wealth over decency and bravado over character. Can’t seem to stop shouting, no matter what mood he appears to be in.

Exhibit A: Trump further indicated his profound inferiority complex recently, when he couldn’t even let a daytime talk show comedienne make fun of him without launching a major PR campaign to call her fat.

Sentence: Gold-plated alive.

Oooh, good idea. *nods* But, before you do so, put a pacifier in his mouth. ;)

18. Mel Gibson

Charges: If there was any question after the belligerent Jew-bashing Passion of the Christ, Mel’s 2006 Malibu pogrom proved once and for all the anti-Semitic apple doesn’t fall far from the Holocaust-denying tree. Hyperbolically claimed that “Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world,” when everybody knows Jews are only behind 60% of armed global conflicts, tops. In ’06, graced the world with yet another predictable sadomasochistic snuff film in Apocalypto, which amounts to a 2 hour 19 minute torture scene from Lethal Weapon (or Payback, or Braveheart)—in the jungle, in Mayan, sans Murtaugh, with a pinch of “those savages deserved to be conquered” and a generous helping of male buttocks. Believes in ghosts. Paved the way for Michael Richards.

Exhibit A: “The Holy Ghost was working through me on this film, and I was just directing traffic.”

Sentence: In charge of cleaning tears off Wailing Wall—with a Q-Tip.

Passion… was not that good; and thank the lawd it wasn’t nominated for an Oscar when it was eligible. I’ve no interest in seeing Apocalypta.

16. You

Charges: Your whole life has been a pitiful exercise in rote mimicry, a meek subjugation of individuality in exchange for herd approval. Your delusions of “common sense” wisdom stem from an unwillingness to seek information and an inability to critically analyze it. You never hesitate to offer strong opinions on subjects you don’t know a damn thing about. You’re willing to believe anything a guy in a suit says on TV, as long as it doesn’t hint at your culpability in the negligent homicide of your country and planet or otherwise cloud your streak-free conscience. You’re more worried about friction on the “Desperate Housewives” set than the lack of health coverage at your tedious, soul-destroying job. You have no idea what is going on in the world, and you’re fine with that. You are why democracy doesn’t work.

Exhibit A: You’re Time magazine’s person of the year. So was Hitler.

Sentence: More of the same.

I don’t give two hoots about Desperate Housewives. :P

15. James Dobson

Charges: Hey parents! Is your boy a bit…you know…fashion conscious? Is your daughter a little too…mechanically inclined? Well, not to worry! Your Tomboy–or Nancyboy–can still develop into a fine, upstanding, internally conflicted and miserable heterosexual, if you just follow the advice of twisted fundie shithead James Dobson. Meticulously avoiding the glaringly obvious fact that no child would choose to be gay, Dobson offers instructions on how to steer “pre-gay” kids right into the closet. Nothing triggers our gaydar like a guy that devotes himself to “curing” homosexuality, especially one that warns that same sex marriage “will destroy the earth.”

Exhibit A: “As it turns out, Mr. Foley has had illicit sex with no one that we know of, and the whole thing turned out to be what some people are now saying was a — sort of a joke by the boy and some of the other pages.”

Sentence: Massive dildo falls out of pants leg onstage at the next “Justice Sunday” event.

Sentence #2: He has to come out of the closet.

14. Britney Spears

Charges: Boozy celebrity bimbos are replicating at an alarming rate these days, but the difference is this bilious tramp has two doomed children, both cursed with the warped ribonucleic helices of a beer-chugging swamp princess with a defective larynx and a lucky low-rent wannabe hustler who may actually be the more responsible parent. Spears’ marriage to a universally detested embarrassment to humanity was trashy in two flavors: showbiz in its brevity and trailer in its impressive babies-per-year output. But the worst thing about their unholy matrimony is that we ever had to know who Kevin Federline is. His fame is entirely her fault, and her fame has by far outlasted her initial perverse schoolgirl/jailbait appeal.

Exhibit A: If Britney had shown the world her bald crotch four years ago, it would have caused widespread rioting and possibly a national holiday. Today, even Madonna thinks it’s gross.

Sentence: Thrown from an airplane with a parachute that will only open if she can hit the high E above middle C.

And, supposedly–although it’s been denied by now–she’s pregnant again! Gawd help us all.

13. Donald Rumsfeld

Charges: So obsessed with Iraq he forgot all about the Klingon bastards who caused 9/11 and are still partying down in Pakistan. Rummy’s government/industry revolving door MO is rigorous and has provided him obscene wealth. Armed with nothing but a CEO’s natural egomania and a willingness to compare his critics to Nazi appeasers, Rummy expanded the role of the DoD into realms of intelligence gathering, propaganda and torture. Only redeeming factor is that his refusal to resign helped lose the midterm elections for the Republicans. To this day, Rumsfeld is admired as a genius by people who find conceit alone to be evidence of genius.

Exhibit A: “I’m not into this detail stuff. I’m more concepty.”

Sentence: World peace.

Sentence #2: Never be allowed to hold or be appointed to a public office ever again.

12. Us

Charges: Overweight, drug-addled nihilist swine with huge egos and no journalistic ethics who hold the world and our readers in general contempt because the kids were mean to us in high school. Crapping on everything and offering no solutions. Lamenting environmental destruction without so much as recycling. Juvenile, chip-shouldered, bridge-burning snots on a self-destructive mission to offend the planet. In 2006, we had the bad taste to proposition the First Lady of Buffalo, successfully rig an NHL playoff series; unapologetically mock the 5-year anniversary of 9-11; irresponsibly reprint the Danish Mohammed cartoons; crash a Scientology party on hallucinogens; and disrespect people of all religious persuasions at every opportunity. What the hell is our problem, anyway?

Exhibit A: In this list alone, we’ve trashed a dead man, a grieving mother, Jesus, and a helpless infant. Only included ourselves as blatant act of self-promotion and to stymie would-be critics.

Sentence: You’ll rush to subscribe to our new monthly magazine, damning us to a life of hollow success and eventual assimilation into the Time-Warner empire. Order now!

I’ll pass on the offer. But at least you’re higher on the pole than the rest of us. Ha! :P

11. Ted Haggard

Charges: Owner of Colorado’s most popular apse. Believes and preaches demonstrable falsehoods to the willfully ignorant. The quintessential hypocrite; Pastor Ted gives queer meth freaks a bad name and makes drug-dealing prostitutes seem like shining beacons of credibility by comparison. A born-again self-deluder who vainly tied to use religion as a magic force-field against natural human desires. Typifies the now-cliché evangelical method of obsessively condemning homosexuality in a thinly veiled act of self-loathing and compartmentalized denial. Haggard’s been cruising Colorado Springs area gay bars for years in search of men to “save,” and baptized many. As the leader of the 30-million strong National Association of Evangelicals, Haggard had a weekly meeting of the morons with the Cokehead in Chief, yet for all his riches he never figured out that quality cocaine is far superior to crystal meth.

Exhibit A: “We don’t have to debate what we think about homosexuality – it’s in the bible.”

Sentence: Leviticus 20:13.

Or not.

6. Dick Cheney

Charges: The dark master of the White House, Cheney strikes fear into the blackest of hearts. Only surfaces occasionally to nod and grunt at a reporter from Fox News, the only station he ever sees, before returning to the White House boiler room to continue planning the apocalypse. Almost certainly ignores everything Bush says. Vindictive and secretive to the point of absurdity, Cheney has his heart set on total global hegemony, and doesn’t really care if you know it.

Exhibit A: How evil does a guy have to be for his buddy to apologize for getting shot in the face by him?

Sentence: A 30-year vacation at Gitmo.

Sentence #2: Scooter Libby reveals where his “undisclosed location” is…and–with selected minions–burns it to the ground. ;)

5. O.J. Simpson

Charges: “If” we were compiling a list of, say, “The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2006,” purely in the hypothetical of course, we’d be remiss not to squeeze The Juice in somewhere. Simpson’s gruesomely detailed, revoltingly coy confession of multiple homicide in the nixed If I Did It may have finally lost him the supportive denial of even his most alarmingly loyal fans. 2006 saw O.J. finally give up the exhausting search for the real killers and focus his energy on more thoroughly demonstrating his lack of remorse or respect for his victims. The project was so repulsive it was cancelled in a rare victory of decency, answering the old question: “How horrible does a person have to be for Rupert Murdoch to balk at doing business with him?” Simpson also starred in a candid camera pay-per-view special called “Juiced.” In one of the gags, he tried to sell people his infamous white Ford Bronco, saying, “It was good for me — it helped me get away.” Sidesplitting.

Exhibit A: All that DNA evidence still works for us.

Sentence: Number removed from Buffalo Bills’ stadium wall and replaced with his naked, crucified body.

Will the Brown family get to do the crucifying? As in, the whole nailing-to-the-cross thing?

4. Mark Foley

Charges: In a year filthy with miscreants masquerading as moral authority, the former Congressman’s well publicized sexual advances toward clearly freaked out underage male pages still stood out like an erection in sweatpants. As pure smokescreen or a way to meet victims, served as co-chair of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. Another homosexual deviant who’s besmirched the good name of normal, respectable fags.

Exhibit A: “Maf54 (7:58:37 PM): well I have aa totally stiff wood now… Maf54 (8:01:21 PM): i am hard as a rock..so tell me when your reaches rock… Maf54 (8:05:53 PM): and gram the one eyed snake… Maf54 (8:08:31 PM): get a ruler and measure it for me… Maf54 (8:09:04 PM): ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”

Sentence: Castrated and forced to coach high school wrestling.

Probably their best sentence yet.

3. George W. Bush

Charges: This spoiled, whiny pinhead is, regrettably, responsible for the nauseating fiasco he’s made of America and the world. Employs an effective strategy of creating so many deplorable scandals that it’s impossible for anyone to keep up, guaranteeing that most will slip by with little notice. Has managed to staff the entire federal regulatory system with obedient corporate drones intent on destroying it from within. More concerned with the fate of discarded embryos than the actual humans being shot at from both sides in an idiot war he conned us into. Is clearly annoyed to be president at this point. Dumber than Paris Hilton and almost as popular.

Exhibit A: “The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany.”

Sentence: Trapped in a library with no picture books.

Sentence #2: Must be forced to read actual newspapers.

1. John McCain

Charges: The most consistently mischaracterized politician in the country, even McCain’s most nakedly self-serving machinations are universally hailed as the bold moves of an independent maverick who really, really, like, cares, man. By virtue of his five-year stay at the Hanoi Hilton and a completely ineffectual campaign finance reform bill (which was itself only PR damage control for his long-forgotten role in the Keating Five), McCain has so successfully snowed America the he could go around kicking puppies all day and he’d be applauded for his authenticity. In reality, McCain is as phony as slimeballs come, having reversed his positions on Roe v. Wade, Bush’s tax cuts, the gay marriage amendment and Jerry Falwell in the last year alone, while the mainstream press looked away and whistled nonchalantly. Keeps changing the number of additional troops he thinks should be sent to Iraq, in hopes of extending the disaster beyond the next presidential election, so his decorated veteran status will still be relevant.

Exhibit A: “I hated the gooks, and I will hate them for as long as I live.”

Sentence: Back to the bamboo cage.

And that’s what you get for turning into the Republican many lefties could see themselves voting for to one that we’d just like to slap…and not in a good way.